My idea of a good time is my phone on silent, a huge bowl of popcorn dripping in butter, and a paranormal TV show marathon. I’ve never met a paranormal TV show that I didn’t like. My particular favourites are the ones where people tell their stories as they are re-enacted by actors who look nothing like them.
As an aficionado of these shows, I can offer some free advice gleaned solely from watching hundreds of episodes.
- Don’t spend your life’s savings on that Victorian house even though you’ve wanted to own one since you were a child. You will be tormented by evil spirits. You won’t want to leave because you won’t have money to relocate, but inevitably you will run out of your Victorian with only the clothes on your back and never return.
- If the realtor says stuff like, “This door stays locked at all times” or “The owners don’t want you to ever move that rug”, do not rent that house.
- Growling, disembodied whispers, and distinct footsteps are not the sounds of an old house settling.
- No, it’s not faulty wiring or poorly manufactured electrical appliances. How many smashed light bulbs and microwaves will you replace before you accept that perhaps something sinister is occurring in your house?
- “Hello?” is not an appropriate response when an entity makes itself known.
- “You stay here. I’ll go check it out.” No! Everybody checks out everything together.
- Nobody’s playing pranks on you.
- Be careful who and what you invite into your home. That goes for human beings, spirits, and inanimate (or so you thought) objects.
- Children are brilliant little creatures, however, if your three-year-old is having tea parties with Theophilus who’s wearing a top hat, sports a beard, and has a gaping hole in his chest, that ain’t no imaginary friend.
- Do not assume that ghosts of children are like Casper. They will try to kill you and they will have fun doing so.
- The woman in grey, who leaves her handprints on your neck from her attempts to choke you to death while you sleep, is not a nightmare or figment of your imagination.
- Unless Wolverine is running amok in your neighbourhood, three long, deep gashes on your body usually signify that you’ve been attacked by a demon.
- Fellas, if I hear one more of you admit that you thought your lady love was “losing her mind” or “confused with the move”, I’ll personally haunt you when I depart this life. Be supportive of your obviously scared and nervous family.
- Pay attention to your pet’s behaviour. Ignoring their uncharacteristic discomfort or aggression could be fatal to them.
- Spirit boards and séances are not fun games, a fact many people discover only after they’ve summoned evil into their homes. Play Monopoly instead.
- You shouldn’t be attempting cleansings and exorcisms if you had to Google the instructions.
- Choose your investigative experts and exorcists carefully. Some such “specialists” may leave you with an even angrier spirit that’s hell-bent (pun intended) on revenge for trying to expel it.
What’s your favourite paranormal TV show? Do you have a ghost story? Let me know in the comments!