What I Learnt from Watching Paranormal TV Shows

 

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My idea of a good time is my phone on silent, a huge bowl of popcorn dripping in butter, and a paranormal TV show marathon. I’ve never met a paranormal TV show that I didn’t like. My particular favourites are the ones where people tell their stories as they are re-enacted by actors who look nothing like them.

As an aficionado of these shows, I can offer some free advice gleaned solely from watching hundreds of episodes.

  1. Don’t spend your life’s savings on that Victorian house even though you’ve wanted to own one since you were a child. You will be tormented by evil spirits. You won’t want to leave because you won’t have money to relocate, but inevitably you will run out of your Victorian with only the clothes on your back and never return.
  2. If the realtor says stuff like, “This door stays locked at all times” or “The owners don’t want you to ever move that rug”, do not rent that house.
  3. Growling, disembodied whispers, and distinct footsteps are not the sounds of an old house settling.
  4. No, it’s not faulty wiring or poorly manufactured electrical appliances. How many smashed light bulbs and microwaves will you replace before you accept that perhaps something sinister is occurring in your house?
  5. “Hello?” is not an appropriate response when an entity makes itself known.
  6. “You stay here. I’ll go check it out.” No! Everybody checks out everything together.
  7. Nobody’s playing pranks on you.
  8. Be careful who and what you invite into your home. That goes for human beings, spirits, and inanimate (or so you thought) objects.
  9. Children are brilliant little creatures, however, if your three-year-old is having tea parties with Theophilus who’s wearing a top hat, sports a beard, and has a gaping hole in his chest, that ain’t no imaginary friend.
  10. Do not assume that ghosts of children are like Casper. They will try to kill you and they will have fun doing so.
  11. The woman in grey, who leaves her handprints on your neck from her attempts to choke you to death while you sleep, is not a nightmare or figment of your imagination.
  12. Unless Wolverine is running amok in your neighbourhood, three long, deep gashes on your body usually signify that you’ve been attacked by a demon.
  13. Fellas, if I hear one more of you admit that you thought your lady love was “losing her mind” or “confused with the move”, I’ll personally haunt you when I depart this life. Be supportive of your obviously scared and nervous family.
  14. Pay attention to your pet’s behaviour. Ignoring their uncharacteristic discomfort or aggression could be fatal to them.
  15. Spirit boards and séances are not fun games, a fact many people discover only after they’ve summoned evil into their homes. Play Monopoly instead.
  16. You shouldn’t be attempting cleansings and exorcisms if you had to Google the instructions.
  17. Choose your investigative experts and exorcists carefully. Some such “specialists” may leave you with an even angrier spirit that’s hell-bent (pun intended) on revenge for trying to expel it.

What’s your favourite paranormal TV show? Do you have a ghost story? Let me know in the comments!

14 thoughts on “What I Learnt from Watching Paranormal TV Shows

  1. It has been my lifelong dream to own and live in a genuinely haunted house. Yes, seriously. If you don’t share this craving, I can’t explain it to you. That said:

    #1 Make sure your back-out period is long on that too-good-to-be-true victorian, just in case you’ve accidentally bought the honest-to-god Murder House.

    #5 Correct. The appropriate response is, “We’re going to have to work out some sort of lease agreement if you’re planning to stay. Which is fine, as long as you understand the rules. And I am so very serious about keeping the noise down between 11 and 8. I get it, your death was tragic or whatever, but I need my beauty sleep and you’re not getting any deader.”

    #6 “I’ll stay here, you you check it out.”

    #12 Demons are a deal-breaker. I want a ghost, not a demon. On the other hand, demons are easier to deal with, since the Church will take care of those for free. (They don’t believe in ghosts, and psychics always charge.)

    #13 I had to delay my response to go have this fight with Husband. So now that’s a thing. And thatreminded me of the house I wanted to buy instead of this one – it had 100% less ugly wallpaper and a solid 70% chance of being haunted – so he really got it.

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    1. …and I’ve seen quite a few episodes dedicated to people who wanted haunted homes, but got wayyyyy more than they bargained for. It’s like the after-life and supernatural don’t understand your realty wishes! Ha!

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  2. I love this post!
    Why do they want to investigate these things alone!? If you hear a ghost, you’d want your friends or partner to witness it with you right!!

    p.s. I agree with the Eejit! That doll is scaaaary!

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    1. Right??? Nice to hear that you enjoyed reading this. And no, I’ve seen scarier dolls. I think I’m going to have to do a blog post with images of the scariest looking dolls that I can find. Ha!

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  3. What a wonderful post! I too LOVE watching paranormal stuff. Like ‘The Leftovers’ (both book and series). And did you see ‘Get Out’? Incredible on so many levels. Your list of tips for those in paranormal films is hilarious. Did you ever see ‘Scream’? I’m pretty sure that’s the movie where the girl comes to an intersection with a signpost that points ‘To Safety’ in one direction and ‘Certain Death’ in the other. Guess which way the girl runs?

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    1. Thanks so much for reading! Yes, I saw Get Out. As a fan of Key and Peele, I was even more impressed with Jordan. It was really well done, and its meaning has been dissected in such an academic way I felt like it was a school project. I don’t usually go for the comedic scary so I never watched the Scream movies. I’m ALL IN for the demons, possessions, ghosts, black magic, etc. Usually, I’m alone when I watch these movies because NOBODY will sit through them with me.

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